What I wanted more than anything ..was someone I could talk to about film ...to connect on a level of knowledge and insight into the workings of passion and words expressed as movement and shadows. When I found him, it was like dreaming. It was like finding Mr. Rochester or the master of Manderley not just on the page of my imagination but in a spooky realism found only on film. Yet, here it was in real life. Moody, sullen, brilliant and charming. He kept me off balance and felt like home. All at the same time lovingly reachable and carefully distant. Wounded from experience and hopeful with good nature.
We talked for hours about films, television and popular culture. We filled in places of interest and levels of experience in layers like a homemade lasagna. It was the small things like holding hands in the grocery store, a child like excitement at garage sales, and the same intense study of movies that helped create our bond. Films we had seen many times before, the startling lust for a lamp, a suit coat, a movement across the room and what music added or distracted from the mood, all of which caused arguments and built a relationship.
I've always railed against a certain type of love story...hated with a passion,"City of Angels", "Titanic" and "The English Patient" ...and now it makes sense why they always struck me wrong, felt like bad mojo.... like these ill fated conquests ours does not have a live happily ever after ending.
Yes, I am lucky - to have loved so vividly, to have shared an intense almost rabid affection for stories told on the big screen, even at this late part of life I am lucky. I would not have missed it for anything....but its also sad, horrifying, frightening and still doesn't seem right. In a quick 3 years, he changed me. Changed the course of my life more than I can express in words.
I have tried to restart this blog, in fits and starts I've begun to watch films again. All I can do now is try - to celebrate what he brought to me by using it to enhance the chat over coffee about the thing that brought us together.